Run
by SiriusBlackLover2000
Summary: It only took one night to change Jillian's life and leave her with a deadly secret. A strange boy at Hogwarts School named Sirius Black who also has a something hidden and when they find out someone else knows their secrets, all there's left to do is run.
1. Fire and Blood

Part I: Jillian

Chapter 1: Fire and Blood

I'm a good kid. Really, I am! I'm polite, I respect my elders and put up with my grandparents when they pinch my cheek and tell me how much I've grown. I thank my mom for dinner even if it's something absolutely revolting like cream-of-mackerel soup. I had only had one ex-boyfriend in my life and I had dumped him, he hadn't dumped me.

When it's time for school, I get shipped off on a scarlet and black train to the best place on earth. A haven. Hogwarts School of Magic. Yep, you heard right. I am a wizard. I perform magic. I can disappear in one place and appear in another. I can change a rat into a tea cup. I have a group of friends. But this year, my sixth year, was different.

Everyone has their embarrassing little secrets, right? Like maybe you wet the bed until you were twelve or maybe you still slept with your stuffed bear. But me, mine's a lot worse. I have the worst sleepwalking problems. I get up and I do things that when I wake up I have no memory of doing. Once, for example, I got out of bed, still sleeping, and tied my mom's hair to her bed posts. I went right back into my bed, still asleep, and woke up to my mom screaming her head off. And I had no memory of tying anyone's hair to the bed post that night. My parents knew about my problem so they knew it was me. I went to the doctor (a non-magic one) and got some pills. Everything was fine after that but if I forgot to take my medicine, I would sleepwalk.

I'm sixteen years old. I don't usually tell anybody about my problem because I have to be cool, right? Well I'm not exactly that cool. I never go to sleepovers because something bad might happen, I have never gone on a vacation more than ten miles away from my home because if I went to Miami, Florida and forgot to take my pills, what could we do about it? I could end up breaking into someone's hotel room without even knowing it. I'm a pretty lame kid.

At Hogwarts, everything is different. I'm different. I don't sleepwalk. It's like a safe place for me. I don't need to hide myself or anything about me.

Two weeks before I was driven to King's Cross Station is where this story begins. It was ten o'clock. I had just watched a movie and I was in my bathroom brushing my teeth. My short black hair was pulled back in a headband from washing my face. My eyes were red and tired looking. I bent down to spit in the sink and rinsed my mouth off, wiping it on my sleeve. I opened my bottle of prescription pills and took one, washing it down with a glass of water. I yawned and took out my headband.

Two more weeks, I thought to myself happily as I turned off my lights, closed the door and jumped into bed. I looked out my window at the crescent moon until my eyelids grew so heavy I had to close them. I fell asleep soon after.

It seemed only seconds later that I woke up suddenly and found myself stumbling down a dark hallway. I was seeing everything in red for some reason. I rubbed my eyes and opened a door in front of me. Feeling my way around the room I was now in, I found the bed. Something flashed in front of my eyes.

I fell to the floor and had the wind knocked out of me. My eyes opened and I gasped slightly, regaining my breath. What a weird dream...

Just then, I felt something wet on my hands. I walked towards my bathroom and turned on the light. I almost screamed when I saw crimson, dripping blood on my hand. There was some splattered on my clothes. Then I realized my hand was clutching something to my side. I lifted it up and felt a sob escape my mouth as I saw a bloody kitchen knife. I saw drips of blood down the hallway leading to my brother's bedroom. No. No.

I ran into his room. The scene in front of me caused my head to spin and my eyes to blur up with tears. My brother was slumped on the floor, blood gushing from his neck. He was dead. And his room had been set on fire. I screamed louder than I ever had before. In anger and hatred at myself and in sadness and fear. "No!" I screamed as I flung the knife on the ground and threw myself over my brother's body. "NO!" I had murdered my brother and set my house on fire. But the pills! I had taken my medicine! What was wrong with me? I screamed and cried some more but then realized that the room around me was slowly being engulfed in flames. I ran out and fell to my knees in front of my parents who had come out of their room.

The look on their faces told me something clear: I could not tell them I had done it.

"Jillian! Are you alright?" my dad asked as my mom screamed and tried to run into my brother's burning room.

Both my parents realized what had happened. With devastated faces and tears trickling down their faces, they said something that seemed to be in some foreign language.

Everything was a blur after that but soon I found myself sitting across the street, sobbing uncontrollably with my Hogwarts trunks beside me and ambulances and fire trucks in front of my house.

Then suddenly we were at the hospital. My parents sat on either side of me in the waiting room.

"Jillian, sweetie," my mom said in her broken voice. "You took your pills, right?"

All I could do was nod. I couldn't find my voice. I couldn't remember anything except that dream. I was about to try and talk to my parents about it but then remembered. I was a murderer and nobody knew. Police were trying to search for the "killer" when I had been there all along. Would I have to tell someone eventually? Turn myself in?

I couldn't think. I wanted to tell them so badly but I felt like the deadly secret was locked inside of me forever.

"Are you sure?" my dad asked. It sounded like his whole world had crashed down. "You had come out of his room after he was... after it happened."

I swore in my head. If I weren't a good liar, I would have had to tell them. My I choked on a real sob and said, "I woke up and I smelt something weird. So I went into... his room and saw him there dead on the floor. I tried to stop the bleeding and I got some on my clothes. I saw the knife lying beside him and his room was on fire. But-"

I broke off and covered my face with my hands, rough with dried blood. I was such an idiot. What had I done? This whole thing was my fault. My fault. I had killed my brother. I was an idiot for lying, for keeping it to myself. I was an idiot of a daughter. My parents deserved to hate my guts.

"Jillian, it's okay. It's all going to be okay," my mom said, putting her arms around me, crying.

No. I thought. Everything was not going to be okay.

"We believe you, sweetie. You did everything you could," my dad assured me. "We love you."

No! I screamed in my head. No! Don't believe me! Don't tell me I'm innocent! Don't tell me it wasn't my fault! Don't tell me you love me! You shouldn't! You should hate me!


	2. School

Chapter 2: School

Those depressing thoughts followed me for two whole weeks. My parents and I were living in our aunt and uncle's house until we could buy one of our own.

Finally, on September the first, I muttered goodbye to my family (or what was left of it, anyways) and got in my truck with my step-cousin Jesse who had graduated from Hogwarts last year. He was going to drive my truck back for me.

"I'll drive," he offered.

I didn't say a word. Instead I threw my suitcases into the bed of my pickup.

Jesse was practically my best friend. He knew everything about me. Or, until now he did. I kind of took him under my wing when he was adopted by my aunt and uncle three years ago. He was a bad boy. An arsonist. A thief. A smoker. He had done some bad things as a kid. But I didn't mind. There was something about him that had always fascinated me.

Somehow, I had managed to mend him. He was still an arsonist and he smoked occasionally but he was always there for me no matter what. Last year he had kissed me. Kind of by accident (Long story). It was okay, though. We didn't tell anybody. It was legal. He was someone I could be myself around. My friends at Hogwarts were preps and jocks. I was neither. They were all blonde and I had black hair. They all asked me for help in school while I aced all my subjects. I had to be a stereotypical popular girl around them. But otherwise, I was the black sheep.

"Jill," he said as he drove down the crowded streets. "There's something you aren't telling me."

It wasn't a question. He knew it. He knew I was keeping something from him. From everyone else in the world.

"Why do you say that?" I asked. My voice was quiet. I couldn't laugh anymore. I had dark circles around my eyes from lack of sleep. Shudders went through my body whenever Jesse played with fire. I was completely different.

"Jill don't be a douche bag," was all he said, looking me in the eyes. They were really, really blue and kind of clouded with memories of his past.

I stuck my hands in my sweatshirt pockets. There was something in it so I took it out. What I found made my stomach churn in horror. It was a box of matches. Damn it.

Jesse turned his head back to the road. "Jillian, what are those doing in your pocket?"

I lied. "I- I wanted to smoke."

He raised his eyebrows. "You want to smoke?"

I nodded, willing myself not to cry. How could I lie to Jesse? It was like lying to God. You just couldn't.

Without hesitation, he took my hand.

"Don't. You can't just let yourself go, Jill. If you weren't going to school, I'd fix you. But you're going to have to do it yourself this year. I know you're depressed. I am, too. I just decide not to show it," he told me.

I just nodded.

For a long time, we drove in silence. Jesse turned on the radio to a station that played a bunch of heavy metal music. I was used to that kind of stuff. Nick, my brother, had always listened to it and so did Jesse.

Right now, it was playing a song we had both memorized; Born and Raised by Alexisonfire. Jesse turned it up and we sang along loudly, just like old times.

Jesse laughed when the song was done. "Good time, good times."

"...Yeah," I agreed.

He stroked the hand he was holding with his thumb. "You're gonna get better, right Jill?"

I shrugged.

"For me?" he leaned in close and gave me a teasing grin.

"Only if you let me burn down a barn with you when I get back." I said.

"Gladly," he replied. He pulled into a parking space at the train station.

We sat in silence for a few minutes.

"Well," Jesse looked at me. "This is it."

I looked back at him. "Yeah."

"You'll be different when you come back, Jill. I know it," I brushed a strand of hair out of my face and leaned towards me.

I leaned towards him and our lips touched. It seemed to only last a second.

"Jess, do you love me?" I asked him.

He looked at me. "No. I just find it hard to keep my hands off you."

I nodded. I kind of felt the same way.

He squeezed my hand. "But Jill, you're pretty much my sister. I love you in that way."

"Well then I love you like a..." I trailed off. Brother. I didn't have a brother anymore. And it was my fault. "Uh- I love you, too."

I got out of my truck, took my two Hogwarts trunks from the bed and looked at Jesse one last time. He smiled and winked. I couldn't smile so I mouthed 'bye' to him and turned to enter the train station.

"OMG, Jillian!" Lesley, Amy, and Brandi squealed not too long after I had pushed through the magical wall leading to Platform 9 ¾.

They ran up to me with Trace and Mason behind them.

Oh joy, I thought. My groupies.

"Hey!" I said. It took all my might to put on a false grin.

"OMG, how are you?" Amy asked in her way-too-girly voice.

"Uh..."

"Amy, you're such a blonde," Trace said to her.

"Oh! Right... your brother got murdered," her smiled faded into a look of false sympathy. They probably didn't care about what had happened.

"We're so sorry, Jillie," Brandi insisted. "Whoever killed Nick should be, like, sent to Azkaban for the rest of their lives."

I felt the tears coming. It was true, though. "I totally agree."

"Come on! Let's go find seats!" Lesley said, grabbing her trunks and starting towards the train.

Lesley, Amy, and Brandi were so unintelligent and useless that they had been Sorted into Hufflepuff. Trace was a Ravenclaw with me; he was smart, clever, and creative. He was in a band back at his home called After Blue and really into art. Mason was a Gryffindor. He was really brave and willing to do anything. He was a total jock, participating in Quidditch and his local football team back where he lived. They were all popular.

Sometimes I wondered how I got stuck with a group like them. I mean, out of all of them, I liked Trace the most but they could be just so annoying sometimes!

As we stepped into the train in search of an empty compartment, my eyes wandered to a boy who looked around my age sitting alone in a compartment. He had really long black hair cut in an emo style and rebellious brown eyes wearing eyeliner. He was, in some ways, very good looking. Something the way he looked made me want to know more about him. I looked on his school robes and saw a Gryffindor badge pinned to it.

"Mason," I nudged him.

"Huh?" he said.

"Who's he?" I nodded towards the boy as we passed him.

"Oh, him," Mason grinned. "Sirius Black. I know what you're thinking. Don't bother with him. He's made his rounds here at Hogwarts. He's an outcast if you know what I mean."

I wanted to say two things: first of all, Mason had no idea what the heck I was thinking. And second of all, I was an outcast, too and there was nothing wrong with it, either.

The train ride was horrible. The whole time, Lesley, Amy and Brandi were chatting on and on about the stupid things they did over the summer like work on their tan and go to the spa.

Hey, guys! I though bitterly. Want to know what I did this summer? I murdered my brother and burned my house down! Isn't that like totally hot?

I felt tears swim around in my eyes.

"I'll be right back." I said to them and got up and ran to the loo in the back of the train.

I shut the door, locked it and pulled my hair in anger. I cried, trying to get all my tears out so I wouldn't cry later. I washed my face and leaned my back against the sink, waiting for my eyes not to be so red anymore.

If I weren't so different maybe I'd be normal.

Dinner. Sleep. Breakfast. Classes. Dinner. Sleep. Depression.

That whole process repeated for almost a month until finally, my friends confronted me.


	3. Alone

Chapter 3: Alone

"Jillian, what is up?" Lesley asked after breakfast.

"The sky," I joked dully.

Amy grabbed my shoulders and turned me to face them. "Look, Jillie, we know you're upset about Nick but you have barely said a word since we got here."

I opened my mouth. "Look. I'm just... tired. From studying all night."

"Studying for _what_?" Brandi asked loudly.

"For... school! For classes! Just leave me alone! I'm fine. Seriously." I snapped at her.

"Sweetheart, you are also in de-ni-al," Mason said.

"I am not! If you would just stop getting on my case, maybe-"

Everyone but Trace exchanged glances.

"Well, then, Jillian, if that's how it's going to be..." Lesley looked me from head to toe. "I guess it's over."

"Over?" I raised my eyebrows. I looked at Trace who was staring at the ground, stuffing his hands in his pockets uncomfortably.

"We don't want a friend who's always depressed," Amy explained like I was two years old.

"Yeah, well if you knew what I was going through, maybe you'd understand!" I shot back.

The girls exchanged glances.

"Yeah... whatever." Brandi said, now looking like she didn't want to be seen with me. She gave me a pitiful look and said, "See you around...Jillian."

The three girls walked off with Mason but Trace stayed.

"I guess you're going to with them, too?" I asked.

Trace looked up. He looked really guilty. He just looked into my eyes and bit his lip. Trace who had nearly always been there for me.

I sighed. "Yeah, I thought so."

"But we still have classes and everything together so... it's all good, right?" he asked hopefully.

It wasn't, I thought. Nothing was all good right now.

"Yeah. Yeah, it's all good, Trace. I'll... see you in class I guess," I lied.

Trace pulled me into a quick hug. "I'm sorry." He said into my hair. We pulled apart.

"No! No. Don't be," I waved my hand dismissively. "You go on and... have fun. I'll... I'll see you."

He grinned. "See ya." Then he ran after the others.

Screw them, I thought. I was alone in the corridor now. Not just in the corridor, though. But maybe I was better off on my own. I wouldn't hurt anyone around me and I'd have more time to think. Yeah, and I had so much to think about.

With a look over my shoulder, I opened the big oak front doors of the school and ran down the steps and then down the long hill to a huge weeping willow tree (one that didn't thrash around violently 24/7) and climbed up onto a wide branch with a little dip in it like a seat. I leaned my head against the trunk and cried. Not about losing my friends. I didn't care about that. I was actually glad they had dumped me. I cried about home, about Nick, about leaving Jesse, about all the things I had done.

I thought about when Nick and I were little. How we had woken up extra early on mother's day and made cereal and orange marmalade sandwiches for our mom. We had spilled the cereal all over hers and dads new bed sheets.

I smiled to myself. And then there was the time where I had gotten some chocolate from my grandma for my seventh birthday. Nick had stolen some of it and I was so mad that I had trashed all his Lego sets and didn't talk to him for three whole days.

I closed my eyes and just listened to the silence. It seemed permanent. Everything as permanent now. Nick was gone, my friends had dumped me, I was depressed all the time. I couldn't believe how much things could change so quickly. I guess I was really alone now.

The bell rang and I sighed, swinging down from the branch and dropping to the ground. I took my school bags and walked back inside for Potions class.

I joined the group of students entering into the dungeon where Potions was taught. Professor Slughorn, by far the most annoying annoying person all of England, greeted us with a hearty hello. The buttons on his robes looked like they were about to burst from his large stomach. He looked slightly like a walrus with a grey bristly moustache and a few whiskers.

I sat at a desk in the very back and lit a fire underneath my cauldron taking my textbooks out of my bag and placing them next to me. Everyone turned as the last student entered the classroom.

Sirius Black walked past me, glancing at me with deep brown eyes and taking a seat in the farthest corner.

I caught my breath. His gaze seemed penetrating. Like he knew everything about me.

"Ah... welcome, Mr. Black," Professor Slughorn said. He smiled round at us all. "Now, to begin today's lesson, who can tell me which potion this is?"

He held up a vial with a clear potion inside of it.

Felix Felicious, I thought. Liquid Luck. I didn't put up my hand in fear of people staring at me. I watched as somebody else answered and followed Professor Slughorn's instructions to make the Draught of the Living Dead.

I winced at the word 'dead'.

"And whoever completes it the quickest I will give this little vial filled with Liquid Luck," he added as thought it were the best thing on earth.

If only I had had liquid luck the night of the accident, I thought to myself. I opened my Potions textbook and found the ingredients. I doubted that anything in the world could make me lucky right now. Much less a stupid potion.

I made the potion without complaining out loud but made sure I wasn't the first one to finish. I didn't want people to stare. To whisper. To call me the girl with the dead brother. I wanted to simply sink into the background.

After what could have been eons later, I packed my school bag and entered the girl's bathroom. I turned on one of the taps and washed my face. My whole body was tense. Afraid of what I was going to see, I lifted my head to look at my reflection. My skin was a little bit pale, my hair was black and so layered it looked shaggy. I looked tired and the eyeliner and mascara smudged and running from the water made me look crazed and sleep-deprived. More than just my life had changed. Instead of my old preppy style, I wore a black t-shirt and skin tight black jeans with neon pink Converse sneakers and a black and pink zip-up sweater. Strangely enough, my new punk/emo style did not make me stand out. It did quite the opposite. People barely gave me a second glance, which was what i wanted. I just felt like melting into the crowd. I didn't want anyone to feel sorry for me because I didn't deserve that. They should be feeling sorry for my parents who have to live with a daughter who killer her brother and didn't tell anyone.

I took out my wand and made my smudged makeup disappear. I took out my eyeliner and mascara from my bag and put it on again, then picked up my bag. From the corner of my eyes, I thought I saw a bloody knife sticking out of my back pocket. I stifled a scream and look in my pocket. It wasn't there, I told myself. It was just your imagination. Calm down, Jillian.

Angrily I punched the wall. Stupid hallucinations. I glared at my reflection, broke the mirror and then walked quickly to the Ravenclaw Common Room, swearing in my head and thinking horrible things about myself.


	4. Boy

Chapter 4: Boy

Almost a week had gone by. Every day after a quick lunch I would go out to the lake, sit in the tree and think. Looking at the lake calmed me down. I could relax my tense, sore muscles and try to pretend I was a normal girl.

I leaned my head against the back of the trunk and closed my eyes, ready to fall asleep when a voice from above me caused me to jump in shock.

"You've been coming here for eight days strait every lunch break, haven't you?" the voice belonged to a boy.

I looked up and saw Sirius Black crouched on a branch, his hand against the trunk to balance himself. He looked down at me with his brown eyes, mostly hidden by his long hair. The hood of a blue and black hoodie was pulled over his head

I wiped the tears that had been previously trickling down my face and replied, "So what?" How embarrassing! Had he seen been watched me cry and sulk for eight whole days? But then talking to someone for the first time in a long time made me feel like my old self.

He shrugged and stepped onto a branch just above mine. "Why?"

"It's none of your business," I told him. I felt my heart start to beat faster every second he looked into my eyes.

"Who are you?" he asked.

I had to think for half a second. "Jillian. Locke."

He smiled. He looked like he liked hearing the sound of another human's name. As though it relieved him. "I'm Sirius Black."

"Uh- nice to meet you," I said.

The bell rang and I swung down from the branch and grabbed my school bag. Sirius jumped down and landed beside me. "What's your next class, Jillian?"

"Um... I think I have Defence or something," I answered. My palms were starting to sweat and I was starting to lose my memory. I tried swallowing the emotions back down. "Well... see you around."

"I'm counting on it," he smiled. We joined the large group of students heading into the West Door and then Sirius and I went down our different corridors.

I couldn't help but stare after him, my face feeling hot and my feet feeling like they could lift off the ground. The door to the classroom was open and our teacher was waiting for us.

On October twelfth, Sirius Black caught up with me a I was on the way to the Great Hall for dinner. He looked especially cute today with black skinny jeans and Converse shoes with a black v-neck shirt and a purple hoodie.

"Are you any good at Charms?" he asked.

"I guess so," I shrugged.

"Great," he grinned. "Then meet me in the library after dinner, okay?"

Before I could say anything in return, he was on his to the Gryffindor table on the other side of the Great Hall. I had a study date.

"Jillian!" Trace called a few seats away from me. He waved for me to sit by him. I pretended to be excited to see him and set my bag down by my feet where I sat.

"Hey," he said as if nothing had ever happened.

"Hi." I replied, helping myself to some food.

"So how have you been lately?" he asked as he took a bite of lasagna.

I lied, "Good. Uh... yeah. Good. What about you?"

"Same as usual," he answered. "Do you think you could help me with some homework after dinner?"

I remembered I had already agreed to help Sirius. "Uh... I'd love to," that was a lie, "But I'm already busy after dinner. Sorry."

He shrugged. "That's fine. I'm sure I can ask someone else. Maybe another time."

"Definitely!" I lied again. Why didn't I just say maybe instead of lie to make him happy?

I ate my dinner and listened to him as he told me about how his band was going to try to make an album when he got back nodding and saying yes or no every once and a while.

"Well it was nice talking to you, Trace, but I have to go now," I told him after I was finished dinner and he was taking a breath in between a sentence.

"Oh," he looked disappointed. "Well... see you later."

"Sure, sure," I said, not really listening as I picked up my bag and headed to the library. I saw Sirius sitting at a table with an Charms textbook and parchment, quill, and ink.

He grinned when he saw me. I sat down across from him and pulled out my textbook.

"You know, you don't have to do this if you don't want to," he told me.

"It's okay. It gives me something to do in the evening," I replied. And I actually kind of meant it. "So what is it that you need help with?"

"Uh... just these two questions here," he showed me his assignment.

I frowned. "Dude, these are second year spells."

He laughed and his face turned red with embarrassment. "Yeah, I know. I'm not your brightest wizard."

"That's okay. Page 244, paragraph 4," I told him.

He nodded and opened the old ratty textbook and flipped to the right page. "So, Jillian, if I'm not being intrusive, can you tell me why you sat in that exact tree at the exact time for exactly eight days? And... why were you crying?"

I thought my heart stopped beating. I avoided his gaze. "Uh... well... during the summer someone broke into our house and killed my... my brother. And my house got set on fire as well so... I was just... you know. Thinking. About how it used to be."

Sirius looked really sad for me. "Wow... I had no idea. I'm so sorry."

"So am I," I said. I really was.

How it used to be. How I used to be. I used to be happy. I used to smile and laugh all the time. Now I hadn't smiled in over a month.

Sirius had finished his homework. I didn't leave, though, and neither did he.

Finally, he said softly, "You know... if you ever need to be around someone, you can hang out with me."

I looked into his deep brown hopeful eyes.

What came out of my mouth next was something I really deeply meant: "I'd like that."

He smiled. I wished I knew how to smile. How to laugh. How to be a normal sixteen year old. How to enjoy life.

"Thanks for helping me and everything," Sirius told me.

"Thanks for giving me something to do," I returned.

"Anytime," he smiled. "See you tomorrow?"

"Sure."

Sirius Black picked up his books and with one last smile, walked out of the library.

I gazed after his back and then finally took my bag and began to walk to the Ravenclaw Common Room.

As I slipped under my bed covers, I thought that maybe I had found a real friend. Someone who could help me become a regular person again. Regular. Normal. Ordinary. Words I had never cared for yet now yearned for more than anything in the world.

I don't know why, but I cried that night. Probably just my hormones acting up but it was weird crying and not knowing what you were crying about.

I took my pills, just to be safe.

"Are you going to your tree today?" Sirius appeared at my shoulder as soon as I reached the door of the Great Hall.

"I don't have any specific plans," I answered.

"Come with me, then. If you want," he offered.

"Were are you going?" I asked.

"You'll see," he led me up so many flights of stairs I lost count and then opened a door on the top of a tower.

"It's really nice up here," I remarked.

"I took one of my girlfriends here once," Sirius said.

Hanging out with Sirius became a regular thing. I soon found out that his mother found him a disgrace to the family since he was a Gryffindor, he two sisters and a younger brother, he hated his family more than anything in the world, and he knew every hidden passage way in the school.

He knew I wasn't happy and he was always there when I cried. He always comforted me and told me it was going to be okay.

November got colder and colder each day until on December first, it began to snow, lightly and softly. I woke up to see the delicate white flakes fall from the bright blue sky.

Then, something happened. The muscles at the corner of my lips pulled up. I was smiling! I was smiling! I ran to the bathroom before it faded. My whole face looked lit up. I might have actually looked normal. I felt a strange emotion stir around my heart. But it was gone before I knew what it was.

Astounded, I got dressed and ready for the day. It was Saturday which meant a full day with Sirius. He was waiting for me, smiling, at the bottom of the stairs leading up to my Common Room.

"Hi," I said.

"Hey," he replied. "Follow me, I wanna show you something."

He walked down the corridor and I fell into stride beside him. Once he reached a huge tapestry on the wall, he stopped.

"What are you doing?" I asked.

He grinned and lifted up the big painting. There was a hole, large enough for someone our size to fit through.

The grin that came to my face seemed unfamiliar and foreign but it managed to stay on my face long enough for Sirius to see it.

"You're smiling." he remarked.

"I know." I replied.

"Ladies first?"

"No way. I don't know what's down there!"

Sirius grinned and hoisted himself through the hole feet first when he was sure there was no one else in the corridor. After waiting a few seconds, I did what he had did and found myself sliding down a long, dark, tunnel.

I bit my lip to keep in my scream. Before I knew what was happening, I had landed in Sirius's arms. He was strong for someone his size.

I felt all jittery and nervous inside. I was going to say something all romantic and smooth but instead ended up stammering. "Thanks."

I couldn't see but I could tell that was grinning.

"I can't see a thing! Where are we?" I asked.

"Somewhere special. Or, special enough that you're the first girl I've ever brought in here." Sirius answered. "Follow me."

"I can't see a thing!" I pointed out.

"Right, it's your first time here."

It wasn't until a second later that I realized he had slipped his hand through mine. I got butterflies in my stomach. It was almost a happy feeling. Happy... the word sounded so foreign and strange... Maybe I was falling hopelessly in love with this boy.


	5. Christmas

Chapter 5: Christmas

Sirius led me carefully down what I thought was some sort of tunnel until he stopped and said, "Close your eyes."

I put a hand in front of my eyes. He dropped my hand and suddenly light poured through the cracks of my fingers. Sirius took my hand again and led me a few steps forward.

"Open your eyes," he instructed.

I took my hand away from my eyes and blinked from the brightness. I realized I was in what looked like an old cellar of some sort. There was a small couch in the middle of the room and all kinds of candies and chocolates stacked along the shelves.

"This is so cool" I exclaimed. I realized I was smiling again. It made me feel so human. Could there possibly be a way for me to be fixed after all the tragedy and loss I had just faced? Could this boy, Sirius Black, pick up the scattered pieces of my torn and broken heart?

"Your smile is beautiful," Sirius told me.

I blushed. "Thank you." I could have stared into his brown eyes for all of eternity.

"Well... make yourself at home."

I sat on the couch, which was quite comfortable I must say and Sirius sat beside me, leaning against the arm rest so he could face me.

I looked around. It was nice to be somewhere private for once. "This is awesome! Where are we?"

"We are currently in the cellar of Honeydukes in Hogsmeade," he answered.

"Honeydukes. You're kidding. Don't the owners ever come down here?" I asked.

He shrugged. "Let's just say I've cast a few protective spells here and there. All we have to do if we here someone coming is turn off the light and hide in the shadows."

"Hey, I thought you said weren't any good at Charms," I joked.

"Na, that was an excuse to get to know you." he admitted as if it weren't a big deal.

I felt myself blush. "Why did you want to get to know me? In case you haven't noticed, I'm not normal."

"I don't blame you. I mean, your brother was killed and you lost your home. Of course you're broken and depressed. It's normal to go through something like that when someone you love dies," Sirius said gently.

He sounded almost like he knew what I was going through. Except I was going through a lot more than depression.

"But why did you want to get to know me?" I repeated.

This time it was Sirius's turn to blush. "Never mind... tell me what it was like. The night your brother died."

I could suddenly feel my pulse beating against the sides of my head as the horrible scene of my throwing myself over my brother's bloody body flashed before my eyes. My scream when I had found out what I had done seemed to echo through the room. I looked Sirius strait in the eye, trying to find my voice. "Can I... tell you some other time?"

He nodded. Silence filled the room. "You know... there's a special Hogsmeade Christmas trip during Christmas break. D'you wanna go together?"

My spirits lightened a bit. There wasn't anyone in the world I'd rather go with than Sirius. "Yeah, I'd love to."

He grinned. "Sweet. Then it's a date."

A date. Wow. I got butterflies in my stomach and I could feel the colour rising to my face. I guess Christmas wasn't going to be too bad after all.

At last, December came along with a lot of thick snow that soon covered the Hogwarts grounds. The Black Lake was frozen and many students were skating on it or having snowball fights everywhere else. Christmas had such a good effect on everybody that even the Slytherin students couldn't help but smile each time they were wished 'Merry Christmas' by a fellow classmate or teacher.

Thought there was only less than half of the Hogwarts students staying for Christmas break, laughs and cheery conversations could be heard no matter where you went.

I woke up on Christmas morning and couldn't help but feel a little high on my spirits, smiling at each student who said 'Merry Christmas'. I met Sirius outside the Great Hall (which was decorated quite nicely with Christmas Trees everywhere, real snow falling from the ceiling that disappeared before it touched the ground, and tiny little fairies that gave off multicoloured glows) and sat down with him at one of the tables (since there weren't many students, we were allowed to sit with classmates from other houses).

I noticed, with satisfaction, that Brandi, Lesley, Amy, and Mason had gone home for Christmas break and only Trace remained, hanging out with some Ravenclaw students. I kind of felt sorry for him. Usually it would just be him and I together during Christmas break. This year, though, everything seemed different. Everything, and I mean everything, had changed quite dramatically.

Sirius waved a hand in front of my face and I broke out of my trance. "Earth to Jillian," he said.

"Sorry," I apologized. "I was daydreaming."

"I could tell," he remarked as he piled his plate full of the food in front of him. "So today, what do you say we terrorize the Slytherin Common Room? You and me, after lunch."

I snorted. "Yeah, and you have a genius plan that can get us in and out without being caught, seen, or expelled?"

"Of course I do!" Sirius replied as if it were obvious.

"Tell me."

"All we have to do is plant a few stink-bombs. That'll get all the students out. Then-"

"Really, Sirius, all the teachers in the school will see what's wrong when they see all the Slytherins running down the halls for dear life."

"That's why we have to be quick. We throw the dung-bombs in, covered everything with Mr. Magic's Permanent, Non-Toxic, All Natural Ice!"

"What's that?"

"Jeez Jillian, It's permanent, non-toxic, all natural ice," Sirius answered.

"How does it come off?" I asked.

"It doesn't."

"Oh. Well, sounds like a plan!"

"Sweet! Then we'll go on our date after, have a wonderful evening, get drunk at the Three Broomsticks and make sweet love to each-"

"No."

"-I was kidding. What I _meant_ to say was, we'll have the best date in the history of Hogwarts."

"Do they have an award for that?" I asked sarcastically. Sirius punched me jokingly on the shoulder. "I'm so excited for tonight. I can't wait!"

Sirius looked proud of himself. "Neither can I. Can I expect you to dress up?"

"I suppose so," I answered, fighting back the urge to pull his amazing face towards me and kiss him smack on the lips. Not yet, Jillian, I thought. "If I can expect the same of you."

"Anything for my beautiful date," he winked.

Butterflies went wild in my stomach again. I smiled shyly and blushed.

Later that day, after lunch to be precise, Sirius got all the things we needed for our prank. The Slytherin Common Room was down by the dungeons. My excuse for being down there was to get some Potions ingredients for our assignment, so with permission from Professor Slughorn, I made my way down the second floor corridor, looking around to make sure no one saw me.

"Jill!" someone called from behind me.

"Dammit!" I swore, jumping in fright. I spun around and saw, to my surprise, it was only Trace. "Oh! Trace, it's you. Uh- hi." I smiled. I was actually kind of glad to see him although now really wasn't the time to talk. I was in a hurry.

He grinned and said, "Uh... Look, I was just thinking... I mean... Okay. I feel so stupid for going along with Lesley, Amy, and Brandi in the beginning of the year and... I wanted to make it up to you."

He took one of my hands. I felt a little uncomfortable and a little confused. What the heck was he going to do? He looked into my eyes. I guess I kind of missed Trace. I missed hanging out with him and making fun of the girls behind their backs.

"Do you want to go out with me on Christmas day?" he asked.

Damn. I thought. How was I going to break it to him? If I told him no, I would crush his spirits. Trace had fancied me since we had first met, it was obvious. I felt so bad for blowing his only chance but I had never shared the same feelings that he had for me.

"Oh, somebody already asked me, Trace. I'm sorry," I said all at once.

His expression didn't change but his eyes were sad, hurt, and angry. "Who?" I could tell he was struggling to keep his voice under control.

"Uh... Sirius Black." I answered.

"Look, you be careful that Black, okay? Did you know he's dated most of the girls in Gryffindor?"

I sighed. "Trace, don't worry about him. Sirius is fine. Look... I have to go but I'll see you around, right?"

"Yeah, sure." Trace muttered. He turned and walked away. A rose fell from his hand, petals crushed.

I considered apologizing to him. I had so much to apologize about. There was no way I could possibly say sorry enough for everything I had done. With one last glance at Trace, I crept down two staircases until I reached the dark, dirty, underground dungeons.

"I thought you'd chickened out for a second," Sirius whispered from somewhere to my left. Hearing his voice made me completely forget about what had just happened. A warm feeling washed over me. "Come on," he led me to the door of the Slytherin Common Room.

We peered through the small windows. Most of the Slytherins were lounging around in the dark, cold Common Room, others saying horrible things about other students.

Sirius took out two dung-bombs from his pocket and handed me one. He used his wand to levitate it and send it through the window over all the students' heads. He made a jerking motion with his want and the dung-bomb sailed through the air and exploded with a 'splat' on one of the walls. I did the same with the other and soon the whole Common Room was filled with rancid green gas.

The Slytherins started yelling cuss words and ran for the door. Sirius pulled me into a corner and held me against him. I had to cover my mouth to stop myself from laughing as the door to the Common Room opened and about twelve furious Slytherins looked wildly around the corridor, holding their noses.

Laughing. I was laughing. And smiling all at once. I felt as though I could spread wings and take flight, stand on top of the world.

I held onto Sirius' hands which were wrapped tightly around me. His laughter was muffled in the neck of my hoodie.

"Where's Professor Slughorn?" one student yelled.

"We need Dumbledore, not Slughorn! Let's go!" another one shouted. "Whichever bloody idiots did this are going to be in a whole load of trouble."

The Slytherins ran up the stairs on their way to Dumbledore's office. Once their footsteps were out of earshot, Sirius and I burst into laughter.

"Those daft idiots!" Sirius exclaimed. "Come on." He pulled a package of white powder out of his pocket and we slipped into the open door of the Common Room, plugging our noses from the smell.

Sirius handed me another package of powder and we started to sprinkle it onto every surface and every square inch of floor.

Sirius grabbed my hand and we ran out of the Common Room and then whispered an incantation to make water spray out of his wand like a hose. With a crack, the white powder turned into permanent, non-toxic, all natural ice.

"Perfect," I grinned. We heard footsteps coming down the stairs and ran as fast as we could around the corner.

Sirius pulled at a brick in the wall and suddenly, without any noise, the bricks moved around and rearranged themselves to create a large hole. He beckoned for me to follow him. I stepped in after him and felt my way after him down the tunnel as the wall started to close.

That night I opened the presents that had arrived from home; a diary and quill with green ink from my parents, package of candy from Jesse, and a orange, red, pink, and blue hand-knitted sweater from my grandmother which I stuffed into the very back of my dresser so I wouldn't have to look at it.

The Hogsmeade carriages would leave at seven o'clock and it was just after six, giving me an hour to get ready.

I looked hopelessly through my dresser for something formal to wear. Finally I decided on a pink halter top dress that went down to my calves paired with black heels. My fingers were clumsy from nervousness with my curling iron and i burnt my ear twice and my hand several times. I suppose beauty did have it's price. I felt my heart beat faster and faster with every tick of the clock and my palms getting sweatier each time I picked up some sort of eye makeup. In the end, I wore my usual eyeliner and mascara.

Before I had to go, I looked in the mirror at my reflection. Compared the last time I had examined myself, I looked better. There was a possibility that I could be myself. I doubted I would ever be happy again, dreaming every night of a blood curdling scream and my brother's body lying on his bedroom floor, but it was a start.

With one last look in the mirror, I headed down to the entrance hall. A few people seemed to not notice me, but others took a second glance and said, 'Merry Christmas.'

Then, Sirius was there. It was as though the entrance hall was suddenly silent and every student but Sirius had disappeared. For a moment, I thought my heart had stopped beating. He was so handsome it made me want to cry. He wore black skinny jeans, a dress shirt, vest, and tie. His brown eyes lit up when he saw me.

With each step I took, I felt my heart reach out even farther towards him. He smiled and I snapped back into reality. Students were crowding in the entrance hall, voices ringing around the room. My heart was beating again, though this time faster than normal.

"You look absolutely stunning, Ms. Locke," he told me, bending down to kiss my hand. I blushed. "It is a pleasure to be of your acquaintance this night."

"The pleasure is all mine, kind sir," I replied. My hand tingled where he had kissed it.

"Your chariot awaits you, madam," Sirius slipped his soft, cold hand into mine and we descended down the staircase into the starry night, snow falling softly around us.

Sirius opened the door of a carriage for me and helped me step in. He closed the door behind him and then sat down beside me.

I straitened the collar of his vest and let my hands rest on his chest, looking at him from head to toe. "You look... so, so hot, Sirius." Dammit, had I really just told Sirius Black he was hot?

"So do you," he smiled and ran a finger gently through one of my ringlets. His finger caressed my cheek and then dropped to my lap where he held my hands in his own.

His touch felt like an escape to a far away paradise. A place where you can forget and your fears and failures and let go of all of your anger and hatred and tell everyone your deepest, darkest secrets and no one would care.

The carriages arrived a few minutes later in the village of Hogsmeade which was decorated with Christmas lights and all sorts of decorations. The street lights were lit up, illuminating the snow falling to the ground from the dark sky.

"Where would you like to go, Jillian?" Sirius asked as he gave me a hand down from the carriage.

"I think we should get a warm drink first, and then go somewhere no one else will find us so we can just be alone together," I answered.

"Sounds perfect to me," Sirius smiled and took my hand again.

I was in my paradise again as we walked down the brick road, snow crunching beneath our feet and nearly everyone in the village wishing us a Merry Christmas. Soon, we came to a lit up, merry looking pub called the Three Broomsticks.

We sat down at the bar and asked for two mugs of Butterbeer. Our drinks were handed to us a few moments later.

"Is it true," I said. "That you have dated almost all the Gryffindor girls in your year and half the Ravenclaw girls in your year?"

Sirius nearly choked on his drink from laughing. He grinned. "Yes."

I snorted. "Why?"

His grin sort of faded. "To piss off my family, I suppose. I decided since I'm the only Gryffindor in my whole family, there wasn't any way I could make them more ashamed and ruin their reputation. So, I basically tried to make their lives miserable."

"Did it work?" I asked.

He nodded. "My parents treated me so bad I ran away."

Through my concern and sympathy for Sirius, I felt a sense of relief. At last, someone in the world who might have the faintest idea of what I was going through. "You found a place to live, right?"

"Yeah," he answered.

I didn't know what to say or how to comfort him, so I held his hand.

"Do you... want to find a quiet place now?" he asked.

"Yes," I answered.

We finished our Butterbeer and payed for it and then stepped into the cold, snowy night. We kept walking down the road until we came to a darker, quiet section of the town. We finally reached a small section of abandoned buildings, looming towards the snowy sky.


	6. Past

Chapter 6: Past

Carefully and quietly, we crept into one of the buildings and up a flight of creaky stairs. Dust floated everywhere and cobwebs coated every corner. Cold wind blew through the open, broken windows and bats shrieked occasionally. Though dark and eerie, it was so good to be somewhere completely quiet.

We sat down next to each other on the dusty, wooden floor. A large hole in the roof allowed the moonlight to shine through, illuminating each detail of Sirius's perfect facial features and casting long shadows along the floor.

"Do you remember when you promised that you would tell me what it was like the night your brother died?" Sirius asked gently.

I sighed. Every single detailed burst through the dam in my brain which I had been blocking out all the horrible events of that night. I felt dizzy for a moment but then told him, "I remember."

"Could you tell me now?"

I suppose it wouldn't hurt at all to let my feelings out a bit. There was no way that I could tell Sirius it was my fault. Not yet, anyways. I opened my mouth. Even if it meant bawling my eyes out in front of this guy I had a huge crush on, I thought it was only fair that I tell Sirius what he wanted to hear. "I guess it started out like any other night. It was ten o'clock when I went to bed. I fell asleep but a few hours later woke up to a strange sound."

_I woke up suddenly and found myself stumbling down a dark hallway. I was seeing everything in red for some reason. I rubbed my eyes and opened a door in front of me. Feeling my way around the room I was now in, I found the bed. Something flashed in front of my eyes._

"I saw blood leading down the hallway to my brothers' room so I went in and..." I bit my lip to stop myself from yelling at the top of my lungs what had really happened. "My brother was on the floor, bleeding. A knife was beside him and his room was set on fire."

_I felt something wet on my hands. I walked towards my bathroom and turned on the light. I almost screamed when I saw crimson, dripping blood on my hand. There was some splattered on my clothes. Then I realized my hand was clutching something to my side. I lifted it up and felt a sob escape my mouth as I saw a bloody kitchen knife. I saw drips of blood down the hallway leading to my brother's bedroom. No. No._

_I ran into his room. The scene in front of me caused my head to spin and my eyes to blur up with tears. My brother was slumped on the floor, blood gushing from his neck. He was dead. And his room had been set on fire. I screamed louder than I ever had before. In anger and hatred at myself and in sadness and fear. "No!" I screamed as I flung the knife on the ground and threw myself over my brother's body. "NO!" I had murdered my brother and set my house on fire. But the pills! I had taken my medicine! What was wrong with me? I screamed and cried some more but then realized that the room around me was slowly being engulfed in flames._

Unable to take it anymore, I started to cry as silently as possible, hoping maybe Sirius wouldn't notice. I forced myself to sound strong and like it was behind me. "It was horrible. The worst thing I'd ever seen. I still can't believe that it was real and not a nightmare," well, part of it _was _a nightmare, "I felt like the whole thing was my fault," the whole thing _was_ my fault. "Like I could have done something to... to save him or something... I still can't forgive myself. I never will."

A sob escaped my mouth by accident and Sirius moved so I was sitting in between his legs. He enclosed his arms around me and let me lean against his chest, his cheek against my head.

"Everything else was just a blur. We stayed at with my aunt and uncle and cousin Jesse. Hopefully we'll have... a new house when I get back," I finished. I didn't want a new house. I'd rather live on the streets! I didn't deserve a new house, a new life, new friends, someone who cared for me as much as Sirius. I didn't deserve all that. I deserved to burn in hell for the rest of eternity.

"Jill..." Sirius whispered, holding me even closer against him. It sounded so amazing when he called me Jill. "I'm so sorry."

The way he had said sorry had haunted me for some reason. It sounded as though he though he had just done something terrible. I shook my head. "Don't be." I held onto his hands. It felt so good to have someone this close to me who could hold me and let me cry.

"Are you okay?" he whispered.

"Just don't let go," I answered, turning to put an arm around his neck.

Sirius kept his promise. His hand finally slipped out of mine when we reached the staircase leading up to the Common Room.

"Thank you," I told him. I could have thanked him for a million different things.

"Anytime, Jill. I'm always here," he answered, brushing a stray hair out of my face.

Sirius Black was going to be the only person that was always there. It made me feel... better. I leaned towards him and gave him a quick kiss on the cheek. There was certainly more where than came from.

I smiled and headed up to my dorm. I was completely in love with Sirius Black. My best friend. The only friend I had. He made me forget about everything and that was the best feeling in the world.


	7. Part 2: Trace: Chapter 1

Part 2: Trace

Chapter 1: If I Had Any Heck Of An Idea That One Of My Best Friends Was Going to Have the Worst Summer of Her Life, I Would Have Been There For Her Right Away

Sit around, be bored, do summer homework, piss off my sisters, work with my band. I wasted my summer vacation doing all that. Well, I suppose I did like school much more than I liked summer break. Hogwarts is the best bloody school there is in the wizarding world.

The only thing was that when I found out that Jillian had gone through one of the hardest summers of her life, I pretty much hated myself for not being there for her. To be honest, Jillian was my best friend. She was much more understanding that Amy, Brandi, Lesley, or even Mason. She had a sense of humour that I understood when no one else did. She was actually human. She wasn't some stupid, prissy madam who went around rating guys on how much muscle they had. And she was just so bloody hot!

There I go, talking about how much I loved Jillian. To be honest, I had fancied her since first year. And now we were in our sixth year. There were times when I thought maybe she felt the same way about me. It was just the way she looked at me and smiled. The way she would slap me on the shoulder jokingly when I said something that grossed her out. We were always there for each other when we needed to be human around somebody. Just looking into her eyes was an escape from the gossip and popularity of the others.

Then, all of a sudden, everything changed. When I saw Jillian arrive on Platform 9 ¾, my heart broke. Her bright, almost blindingly blue eyes looked dead and lifeless and sunken from lack of sleep. Her face had lost all it's brightness and happiness. She looked depressed, angry, heartbroken, and for some reason, guilty. She no longer held her head up high and stood tall. Her shoulders were slumped and she looked like she had totally given up. She was a like a living, breathing ghost. She wasn't my Jillian anymore.

The happiness I felt when I saw her ebbed away in the train when she didn't say a single word. She didn't look at me, at anyone. She stared listlessly into space, her eyes clouded with fear, regret, anger, and memory.

I knew how hard it must have been to lose her brother. Nick and I had been good friends, and I was terribly saddened by the news, too. But something about the way Jillian had looked when Brandi had said whoever had killed Nick should be sent to Azkaban for the rest of their lives made me really suspicious. She looked almost grateful. As though she had did a horrible crime she wanted to die for committing and Azkaban would be like Heaven compared to the torture she was going through now. But what could Jillian have possibly done to feel that way?

There was nothing I wanted to do more than wrap my arms tightly around Jillian and never let her go for the rest of eternity. Whisper in her ear that I was there for her and that I loved her so very much. Every time I thought about what it would be like to feel her lips against mine caused goosebumps to creep up my arms. My senses ignited whenever I thought about lying beneath the stars with her and keeping her all to myself. If I didn't ask her out soon, it might be too late. Maybe I could make Jillian feel better somehow. Help her back to her old self.

Maybe I'm just plain crazy.

School wasn't the same. Without the old Jillian, I thought I was going to go insane, being forced to hang out with Brandi, Amy and Lesley almost all day. Jillian teared up a lot when she was staring into space. I knew what was wrong, but I still asked her. I knew there was something more to her state than just sadness that her brother had been killed. The answer was always the same: "Nothing, really. I'm fine! Don't worry about me!"

"Isn't Jillian just driving you nuts now?" Amy had asked us when Jillian had stayed in her dorm to finish homework. "She doesn't talk, she's always crying, and she is no fun at all!"

"Oh, my gosh! I know! She's not the same anymore," Brandi agreed. "Do you think we should do something about her? I mean, being seen around such a depressed person might ruin our reputation."

"Guys, she lost her brother. How would you feel?" I asked angrily.

They ignored me.

"We should tell her she can't be friends with us if she's going to act this way all the time," Lesley said as though that settled the matter.

"Uh... dudettes... I don't know if that's such a good idea," Mason frowned.

"Thank you!" I praised him.

"Boys, do want to ruin our reputation?" Amy asked. This wasn't really a question. When Amy asked us that, what it really meant was, 'If you don't agree with me, I will seriously consider snapping your spines so your backs will actually stand strait'.

I didn't answer. Mason muttered something unintelligible under his breath.

"Good," Amy smiled. "Then it's settled.

They told Jillian. I felt so stupid just standing there like I really wanted this to happen. I could have protested more, told the girls how stupid this was. But oh no, I'm too chicken. I went along with the whole thing.

I guess the good thing was that Jillian didn't seem to care. She actually looked relieved that she was finally free from all the dehumanizing drama. But then when she looked at me as if she couldn't believe that her only real friend had just done this to her, I felt like a total failure. I was a total failure. I bailed on my best friend. That look stuck with me forever.

The next week was horrible. I thought about Jillian all the time. I barely saw her anymore. It was as though whenever I caught a glimpse of her, the next second she was gone. I thought about her pretty eyes and her amazing smile and wondered if I would ever get to see them again.

The rare time I got to speak to her, I tried everything. I tried 'how are you' and 'what have you been doing lately' and 'how are you with your homework'. Questions that never would have been asked if this had happened. If I could rewind to last year, instead of those questions it would be, 'so who's hottest of them all?' or 'what do you say we crazy glue in Lesley's shampoo' or 'I'm so fed up with all this bloody homework'.

Change. I hate change. The more I expect things to continue as they were, the more confusing and different and challenging they got. It was like a curse or something! Maybe everything that had happened, everything that had built a wall between my best friend and I, everything that had completely broken Jillian was my fault.

Maybe I'm just plain crazy.

Then all of a sudden, I was angry at myself. I had lost her. I had blown my chance to show Jillian I loved her when she needed me more than ever! What had I done? Was I that much of a failure to her, that I couldn't even comfort her? I was that cowardly?

Then, there was this tiny, thread, this tiny strand of hope that I could make it better. It wasn't too late. I held onto that strand for dear life, hoping that I would get my chance to get my Jillian back.


	8. Chapter 2

Chapter 2: The Strand of Hope Snaps. I Was Right When I Told Myself She Was Gone. Now I Need to Get Her Back!

That tiny little flickering beam of light named 'Hope' got smashed on and trampled by one bloody idiot: Sirius Black. I noticed Jillian talking to him a few times and then saw them walking down the corridors together. Once I even saw them sitting beside each other in a tree by the Black Lake. He was stealing her from me! Jillian was getting farther and farther away. I could barely reach her anymore. Every time I saw her with that git, I felt the involuntary impulse to rugby tackle him to the ground and give him a few good knocks in the head.

Sirius Black was a player. According to Mason, he had dated nearly all of the Gryffindor girls and half the Ravenclaws. I didn't want Jillian to be seduced by him and have her heart broken all over again. No. I was supposed to be the one she was in love with. I was supposed to mend her. But... what if Sirius was taking my place? What if he was fixing her? Maybe he had decided he was really truly in love with her and that he wanted to be with her every moment of every day for the rest of eternity? What if he and I were alike?

Would Black be the first boy she ever kissed? No. He couldn't be. I, Trace Anthony Lightbody was going to be the first bloody boy that Jillian Leona Locke ever kissed. I would make sure of that.

As each day dragged by, I noticed that each time I saw Jillian, she looked more like her old self. Not a whole lot, but there was a definite difference. My heart sank. So Black really had taken my place. He was doing the job I had been so sure I was going to do. He took my Jillian away from me. I needed her back!

Alright, so I'll admit that I was a jerk. I pretty much stalked Jillian and Sirius and tried to eavesdrop on their conversations. For some reason I wanted to make life as miserable for Sirius as possible. I would steal Jillian back from him. I'd do anything it took, even if it meant grabbing her away in the middle of an intimate conversation and snogging her right in front of it. Well... okay... I wasn't going to do that. Jillian would be so bloody pissed off at me she wouldn't ever want to see my face again. Oh, no. I wasn't like that. I knew everything about Jillian. I knew how to make her mine again without hurting her. I think.

It was any ordinary day in December that I had a sudden genius idea that I was surprised I hadn't thought of before. I would as Jillian to go to Hogsmeade on Christmas day with me! I'd show her that I love her and that I was her best friend who would always be there for her no matter what. As desperate as I was, It was actually a good idea.

On Wednesday, three days before Christmas, I sneaked into one of the greenhouses and grabbed stole on of Professor Sprout's roses. I made sure I looked extra nice and headed back to the castle to find Jillian.

I saw her walked down one of the empty corridors, looking around to make sure no one saw her.

"Jill!" I called.

She jumped and spun around. "Dammit! Oh! Trace, it's you. Uh- hi." she smiled. It was her old smile that lit up the room. I wanted to grab her and start snogging her right then and there.

"Uh... Look, I was just thinking... I mean... Okay. I feel so stupid for going along with Lesley, Amy, and Brandi in the beginning of the year and... I wanted to make it up to you," My immediately took one of hers. She looked a little wary, a little confused, but a little flattered, too. "Do you want to go out with me on Christmas day?"


	9. Chapter 3

Chapter 3: Great. He Asked Her Out on Christmas Day and I Was Too Late. Now What Do I Do? Listen to My Heart?

Listen to my heart? Pff, yeah right! As far as I was concerned, the only thing I could hear from my heart was it's beating. And even if I could listen to my heart, I was too angry to do it.

Sirius Black, that damned fool, had gotten to Jillian before I had. Well, of course he had! He was exactly her type; dark, mysterious, rebellious, charming, good – looking, and very good at seducing people. I was, well, outgoing, well-mannered, and I didn't know how to charm a girl. I only knew how to treat them right and tell them I loved them. I wasn't nearly as good looking as Sirius, either. Saying it sounds even more gay than thinking it; calling a guy good looking. But it was true. I was skinny. I wore jeans and t-shirts with random designs on it, I had brown spiky hair. I was plain. Sirius seemed like everything in the world that Jillian could need. Why couldn't I be that way?

As I stormed away down the corridor, feeling guilty and embarrassed for even thinking of asking her and swearing uncontrollably at myself and Sirius under my breath, I decided something: Brandi, Amy, and Lesley were right. Jillian definitely was not the person she used to be. She would never have avoided me, or gone out with some emo player on Christmas Day, or suddenly start to become farther and farther away from me every day. Even if she was no longer my friend, I had the right to know what was going on. I needed serious revenge on Black, no matter what it took.

I passed Amy, Brandi, Lesley and Mason without giving them a second glance, determined to hide in my dorm room for the rest of my life and never show my stupid, desperate face to anyone ever again.

"T-Man!" Mason called.

I ignored him and headed right up to the fourth floor, the the picture of Jillian and I kissing I had in my head 24/7 that I had hoped for years and years might actually happen flashing before my eyes.

"Trace, dude, are you okay?" Mason caught up to me.

"Fine. Tired." was my answer.

"Dude, come on, you're never this angry when you're tired. What's up?" he pressed on.

Mason was trying to be a good friend, but right now all I needed was for Jillian to realize she was making a huge mistake with being seduced by Sirius Black.

"Dude, Trace," Mason grabbed a hold of my shoulder and stopped me from walking any further. "You can tell me what's up, you know. The girls aren't here and I won't tell them anything."

I looked warily into his eyes for a minute but all I saw was honesty and compassion. I sighed and sat down on the steps. I was a man. I was not going to cry over some girl issues. "It's about Jillian. She's totally falling for that Sirius Black. I know he's just going to dump her once she's deep enough in love with him and... she'll want to kill herself it that happens. I mean, look at all that's happened to her."

Mason sat down next to me. "Dude, I felt that way, too. Black is a player and Jillian's totally setting herself up. But then, one day I saw them in the Great Hall together and seriously, the way they looked at each other... I think Jillian's happy again. Sirius is fixing her up. Right now, all she needs is someone who knows how she feels."

I had never heard a more educated answer come out of Mason's mouth. I had also never heard a more infuriating answer come out of his mouth. Those were the words I had been trying to get out of my head for months. The things I had denied and told myself weren't true. I sighed and put my forehead in my hands.

"I think she's happy, Trace. Like you said, look at all that's happened to her. If she's feeling better, shouldn't you be happy for her? You love her," Mason added.

"Yeah," I lied. "I am happy for her. I've been stupid this whole time. Jill and I are still friends. Everything will be alright. I mean, it's not like we'll never see each other again."

"That's the spirit, dude. Now come on, let's try to find a hot date for Hogsmeade on Saturday," Mason elbowed me jokingly in the ribs.

I faked a smile and got up, following him down the stairs back to Brandi, Amy, and Lesley.

I still needed to get Jillian back somehow. There could be a chance that she needed me more than she needed Sirius. Even if it meant stalking them until I found opportune moment to save Jillian from more heartbreak, I'd do it.

This was going to be the worst Christmas of my whole damn life.

I took the very first excuse that came to my mind and escaped from my friends after dinner, looking everywhere in the castle. At last, I found him in the boys bathroom,his expression completely unreadable, straitening his outfit which would have looked ten thousand times worse on me. Jillian would be impressed. She'd fall even more in love with him; she adored boys who dressed up.

"Black," I said, my voice filled with something I had never heard before.

His expression didn't change. "Do I know you?"

"Look, I don't what you think you're doing with Jillian, but you need to stay away from her, okay? Do you even know what she's been through? If your just around to make her fall in love with you and then-"

Sirius turned around. "What's your name?"

"Trace. I'm Jillian's best friend," I answered, emphasizing the word 'I'm' as though it were some competition.

"Strange... I've never seen you two together," he frowned. "Listen, Trace, I know exactly what Jillian is going through. She's different from other girls. I'm not going to break her heart, okay? So take a chill pill."

He attempted to leave the bathroom but I involuntarily blocked his way. "You don't have any idea what Jill is going through. Stay away from her, okay? I don't know if all the rumours are about you are true, but from what I heard, you're a real son of a-" I called him something bad.

"You're right," Sirius said, pushing past me. "But Jillian needs someone now. I told you, Trace, I'm not going to break her heart. I'm gonna fix it."

"I'm supposed to be the one there for her. I'm her best friend," I growled.

"As far as I can see, you weren't there when she needed it. You were too late," Sirius said calmly. "Merry Christmas."

He walked past me without another word. I stood there, shaking all over. I realized something terrible: I wasn't there. I was too late.

I fought back the tears swimming in my eyes. The same thoughts ran through my head that I had been thinking for months: I need to get her back. Seriously this time. There wasn't anything I'd rather do that be with her.


	10. Part 3: Jesse: Chapter 1

Part 3: Jesse

Chapter 1: Memories to Spare

"Who's he?" one boy whispered to another.

"The new one." he had whispered back.

"He looks like a midget," one had snickered.

A few of the boys laughed.

I sat on my new bed in my new uniform silently, looking at the floor. All the other boys were staring at me as if I were some sort of scum of the earth. In my hand was a picture of my beautiful mom and my strong dad who I would never get to see again. I didn't understand at all. Why wouldn't they ever come back?

"Why won't my mommy and daddy come back?" I finally asked.

One of the older boys answered, "Because they're dead, stupid. They're never coming back. Not any of our parents either. Your parents are either in Heaven or burning in hell."

"Which is better?" I asked.

"Heaven," a boy my age answered. "Because you get lots of food there and you can see angels."

"You don't get hungry in Heaven, fool," another older boy snapped. "You don't feel anything. You're just way up above the clouds looking down at everyone."

I decided that Heaven was better. I wanted my parents to be in Heaven so they could watch me. "My mommy and daddy are in Heaven," I said.

"Lucky for them," one of them muttered.

I was nine years old when my parents were killed. I can only remember one thing about that night: the face of a wide eyed boy staring through my window.

Even though I'm eighteen now, I still believe in Heaven. I think my parents are watching me from wherever they are.

I had heard the same story about my parents' death from many different people: they went out for dinner one night to this fancy restaurant in London. They left me with the housekeeper. Apparently, the restaurant had just blown up. The whole thing. There were three survivors, and no remains of the building that had once stood there. The only thing I remembered about that night was a little boy with dark hair and brown eyes peering through my window with a look of horror upon his face.

I had no other living relatives so I was sent to an orphanage in Kent. I was one of the youngest but the bravest of them all. They seemed all tough but deep down they were just big cowards.

"Come on, Jesse, just do it!" Louis sneered, poking me in the ribs. John held the lit cigarette in front of my mouth.

Peter, Rafael, and Abe kept watch to make sure Mrs. Mahoney or any of the goody-goody boys weren't anywhere near. If she caught us smoking, we'd get beaten.

I took the cigarette and stuck it in my mouth, taking a big breath in. Big mistake. I thought my lungs were about to explode as smoke filled them. I spat it out and choked, coughing and feeling my stomach churn.

The boys howled with laughter as I stumbled and threw up on the ground behind the orphanage.

"Poor little Jesse can't even smoke a cigarette!" Abe crowed.

"Shut up, Abe," I punched him in the chin. "Shut up and give me another."

The boys laughed even harder.

"Ssh!" Louis snapped. "Do you want Mrs. Mahoney to skin us alive? Shut the hell up or we'll all get caught!"

The boys stopped laughing immediately. Mrs. Mahoney was only interested in keeping us well behaved and polite. We were not well behaved and polite. When she wasn't looking, we would eat like pigs at the dinner table. When she was out of ear shot, we would cuss each other and even Mrs. Mahoney herself. We were rude to other people if we didn't like them. Once Peter had went up to a homeless person and stuck out his tongue at him. Mrs. Mahoney had marched him strait home and gave him five lashes with the leather belt.

Rafael grabbed another cigarette from John and lit it. He gave it to me and I stuck it in my mouth. I took only a little breath in this time. This time, I forced myself not to cough. I pretended I liked it but I really hated it. My mouth tasted like ashes and my lungs felt dry.

A light turned on inside and immediately, I spat out the cigarette and the boys stomped on them to make sure they weren't still lit. John buried them and we ran as fast as we could for the back door, pushing past each other so we wouldn't get caught.

Two days later I learned how to play with fire. It was so fascinating to watch the red and orange flames flicker around and lick at whatever it was destroying. It gave me a satisfied feeling when I saw ashes on the ground where the little wood house I had built was burned down. It was one thing in life I could control.

When I turned ten, I was allowed to go out without Mrs. Mahoney as long as I had someone with me. On special days when we were allowed to go to town, me and some of the boys would burn down old abandoned houses and run away. No one ever saw us. No one every caught us.

Sometimes, weird things would happen when I burned down things. Sometimes I could turn the fire different colours just by looking at it or turn the fire on or off by snapping my fingers. I knew I was different but I didn't know why.

One day, I would find whoever killed my parents. I would kill him. I would burn his house and maybe even burn him.

I was eleven when an old man with a long grey beard came to visit me. He told me he was a professor at a school for gifted people. He gave me a letter and I read it. He told me his name was Professor Dumbledore and that I was a wizard. I didn't believe him at first but then I remembered all the strange things I had done that the other boys couldn't do. I had magic powers. The letter told me to go to a school called Hogwarts, the one the professor worked at.

I did and it was the best place in the world. I had lots of friends. Real ones who didn't make me smoke or drink.

It was November ninth now. I was sitting in Jillian's truck in front of an old barn. Dusty, abandoned, old, rotten, perfect target for a fire. I flicked my lighter on and off. Memories flickered in and out of my head of being at the orphanage.

There was a bang on the side of my truck which caused me to stiffen. I pulled out my knife and opened the door, ready to attack. I groaned and stuck my knife back in my pocket when I saw it was only my friend Robert. "Dammit, Robert. You need to stop doing that."

He grinned. "Sorry, it's just fun to see you scared."

I glared. "I don't get scared. Come on. Let's burn this thing down. No one's around. I've checked."

"So have I," Rob nodded. He pulled a rolled up newspaper from inside his leather jacket.

I set it on fire and tossed it into the window of the barn. Rob did the same in another window. Soon, we newspaper was burning all over the barn. It was engulfed in flames within minutes.

"Come on," I grinned, jogging back to Jillian's truck. Rob hopped into the passenger seat and I drove off as fast as the thing would go.

"Sweet ride; where'd you get it?" Rob asked.

"It's Jillian's," I answered, looking through the rear view mirror and smiling in satisfaction at the burning barn.

The area was empty and I took a shortcut to get onto the main road so no one could tell we had been there.

"Can't believe what happened to her this summer," Robert remarked. "Poor girl, must be downright depressed."

I grunted in response. I didn't like it when people talked about Jillian like she was some poor little girl or something.

"Party tonight at my girl's place. If you want to come, you have to bring drinks and know how to pick up chicks."

"I'm there," I answered.

"That's my man," Robert grinned. I dropped him off in front of a bar. He waved and headed inside. Happy hour was every hour for Robert. I don't think he knew how not to get drunk.

I turned on the radio and drove back home.

"Come play a game with us," asked my new cousin. I think her name was Jillian. She had shoulder length black and and bright blue eyes. She was really hot and she went to my school. We hadn't really noticed each other until now.

"What game?" I asked.

"Nick just got out snakes and ladders. Have you ever played it before?"

I shook my head. I never played any games except for 'lets-see-who-can-burn-four-old-houses-down-without-anyone-catching-us' or 'lets-try-and-smoke-when-Mahoney's-in-the-room-without-her-noticing'.

I never had a family so I never played real games with them. I was fifteen years old and I was adopted. Karen and John were really nice to me but they treated me like a kid sometimes. I wanted more freedom. Right now their cousins were over. Well... I guess our cousins.

"Come on," Jillian said, leading me down stairs into the basement. It was a games room now with a pool table, a TV and a bunch of games for X-box and stuff. I hadn't ever been down here. I was mostly in my room or with my new parents.

Her brother Nick, who was two years older than me and three years older than her, sat on the floor with a board game.

I won five times at snakes and ladders. And I had a lot of fun with my new cousins.

From there, Jillian kind of took care of me. We became best friends at Hogwarts and once on Christmas day, I had tricked her into standing under the mistletoe with her. I did like her but not really in _that_ way. She was just a really good kisser and she was hot. She didn't seem to mind. She knew I liked her as a friend even more than I thought she was attractive.

Then when she was sixteen and I was eighteen, her brother was murdered. She became somebody I didn't know. Somebody I didn't expect her to ever become. She was dark, depressed, angry, and hiding something. I didn't know what it was but I knew there was something she wasn't telling anyone. Whenever the subject of Nick came up she got all stiff and terrified.

After I drove to Hogwarts, I did some research. I didn't ever do research unless it was something for school but I found myself driving to a Muggle library in town. I didn't even know why I was going to the library. I just had a sudden urge I guess to see who had killed my parents.

I used the computer and looked up the date that my parents died. I sat for hours clicking on links and reading articles and stuff. Finally, a caption caught my eye: 'Youngest survivor of the fire was simply walking past the restaurant when it happened, seven year old Sirius Black from Grimmauld Place.'

A picture of the boy below the caption made my heart nearly stop. It was a little boy with dark hair and brown eyes. The little boy who had peered through my window the night of the fire.

I turned the computer off and went back to the truck. I didn't know what was so weird about that. It just had been. The name, Sirius Black... it rang a bell in my head but I couldn't remember where I had heard the name before.


	11. Part 3: Chapter 2

Chapter 2: More Research

It seemed as though any more research would turn my brain to mush but the fact that one of the only survivors of the fire that killed my parents was the same kid that had looked through my window as if he had just found out there was no Father Christmas was just a little creepy for some reason. I took time out of my incredibly busy schedule (drinking, smoking, and burning things was highly important to me) to drive to the library and use the computers. Karen and John didn't know anything about Muggle stuff but since I grew up in a Muggle orphanage, I knew a lot.

I reread pretty much all the stuff I had read the other day. I typed in 'Sirius Black' in the search engine and scrolled down the page until I found an article entitled 'Sirius Black- Youngest survivor of Queen's Diner fire'.

I read scanned through the small article some on had posted online from the Daily Prophet. It didn't tell me much except that he was seven years old, he lived in 12 Grimmauld Place and that he had ran away as soon as the fire had started.

Why did he run away? I thought. I would have gotten help or stood there, watching the fire destroy the building. Not run away. Then it would seem like I had done something.

Then, the craziest idea entered my mind: maybe this Sirius Black boy had started the fire. It was possible. He could have been a young wizard finding out he had magic powers, or a little boy playing innocently with fire and accidentally burning down a whole restaurant. Or it could have been that I was stupid for thinking that a seven year old boy had done it.

"Quick!" Abe hissed. "Mahoney!"

John grabbed the jar full of mice and stuck it in his coat. We scrambled for the door to our room but we were too late.

"What is the meaning of this?" she asked. We turned around to face her, innocent looks on our faces. She stood with her arms crossed over her chest, peering angrily over her spectacles.

We had been trying to put mice inside the pots so when she opened them to cook dinner, they'd jump out at her. Mrs. Mahoney was scared to death of anything that had four legs.

"I was looking for a lighter. The candles in our room went out," Louis lied. Louis was the best at lying. Sometimes you could never tell if he was serious or not.

"How many times do I have to tell you that you aren't allowed to play with fire?" she demanded.

The boys and I realized, in horror and fascination that there was a small white mouse on top of Mrs. Mahoney's head, looking nervously around for somewhere to go hide. How did it get there?

"Why do you find this funny, boys?" Mahoney snapped.

"Because there is a mouse on your head!" Peter burst into laughter.

Mrs. Mahoney felt the top of her head and screeched, jumping nearly four feet into the air when the tiny mouse jumped off her head and landed on the counter.

All of us were howling with laughter as the mouse scampered away into a dark hiding place.

Mrs. Mahoney was furious. "All of you, in the living room now."

We stopped laughing immediately and walked into the living room. We knew what was coming. We stood with our hands held out in front of us.

Mrs. Mahoney came back with a measuring stick, glaring at us. "Seven times each with the measuring stick. The Lord says to respect your elders. Your behaviour today has not demonstrated such actions."

I was first. She whacked me hard on the hands seven times. I winced each time and when she moved on to John, who was whimpering, I looked at the red rectangular marks and massaged them.

When we were finished, we were sent to bed early with no supper.

"That was even better than putting them in the pots!" Peter whispered excitedly.

"Did you see the look on her face?" John sneered.

"Mahoney is stupid to think we'd be nice to her all the time," I remarked.

"We aren't nice," Rafael agreed. "We're mean boys."

"And one day, you'll be out in the real world and you'll realize that you aren't so mean after all. The world is a cruel place," Abe told us, lying on his back in his bed.

We were quiet after that. Abe was fifteen years old and smarter than all of us, even seventeen year old Louis, and no one ever argued with him because he always won.

"I'll show the world what mean really is," Rafael whispered to John and I when the lights were turned out.

We laughed into our pillows.

I snapped my fingers. A flame appeared between my middle finger and thumb. I watched it glow and flicker every time I blew at it. No matter what, it wouldn't extinguish unless my fingers stopped touching.

Over and over again, I snapped my fingers and then watch the flame disappear into thin air. I wondered if my parents were afraid of fire. I wondered what they would have felt when they saw the bright orange and yellow flames swallowing the building around. I imagined Jillian must have felt the same.


	12. Part 4: Jillian: Fight

AN: Hope you have enjoyed the story so far. Thanks for the reviews. You guys made my day, I'm serious! Keep 'em coming and make them as mean as you want; I need lots of constructive criticism to make this story the best that it can be :) The chapters will be coming at a slower pace now because school is taking up WAY too much of my writing time :( but I will try to write as fast as I can for your sakes.

Disclaimer: I do not own anything in this story except the plot and a few of the characters. The rest belongs to the brilliant and incredibly talented J.K. Rowling.

Part 4: Jillian

Chapter 1: Fight

December soon passed and the New Year began with more snowstorms and cold weather. January first was the best day of the year for me.

It was Sunday. I was still half asleep when I reached the bottom of the staircase leading to my Common Room but Sirius came out of no where and dragged me down the hall until we were alone.

"Jillian," he took both of my hands and looked me in the eyes. "I want you to be my girlfriend."

All at once, we were kissing. I had no idea who had made the first move or if I had said anything or if he had even planned to kiss me. All I knew was that it was the most amazing feeling in the world. It was like I had taken flight. All my senses were ignited and all I could focus on was the way the way his lips moved against mine, the taste of his breath, the way he pressed me against the wall. How I responded, touching his chest, putting as much enthusiasm into the kiss as I could.

And then it was over. His lips were no longer against mine. The flying sensation was over and we were back in the fourth floor corridor at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry.

"So, what do you say?" he breathed in my ear, keeping me against the wall.

"Yes," I whispered back without even thinking. There was no way I could have possibly said no. I was too madly in love with him. Plus, it seemed like the closer I got to Sirius, the more I started to pull myself together. Maybe I needed this to be happy again.

Like I said, January first was the best day of the year...

Trace approached me as I was heading out the door of the Common Room on my way to Transfiguration.

"Hey," he said a little tentatively.

"Hi," I replied.

"Um... I'm... sorry about-"

"Don't worry about it, Trace. It's all good," I interrupted him gently.

"Are you sure?" he asked.

I nodded. "Of course. How have you been lately?"

He shrugged and I could tell by looking in his eyes he wasn't good. "Okay, I guess."

"What's I guess?"

He looked embarrassed. "Okay. Honestly and truthfully, I miss you. I miss hanging out with you... how it used to be. You know..."

Shit, I thought. Poor Trace... I had barely even given him a second thought his whole year while he was desperate to be there for me. I decided to lie. "Yeah, I miss you too, buddy." Why was it that I constantly lied to Trace? To make him feel better?

He smiled. "Well... how are you?"

Ugh. Everything was so awkward and tense now! If things hadn't changed, we'd never ever have asked each other things like this.

"Good. Really good, actually," I couldn't help but smile. Maybe it was almost perfect.

"How so?"

Should I lie and tell him I was just in a good mood or should I be honest with him? Without thinking, I said, "Sirius asked me to be his girlfriend." Shit. He was not going to take this well.

The smiled on his face was painfully forced. I knew he was absolutely crushed. "Wow! That's great. Uh... yeah. Awesome."

Shit! Jeez, how many times did I have to swear in my head before this conversation started to get better? I sighed. "Trace, if you just can't be happy for me maybe this whole friend thing isn't going to work out. I know I've changed a lot and I'm sorry nothing worked out for you but things are working out for me and right now that's all I need."

"What are you talking about? Of course I'm happy for you!" he asked desperately.

"Dammit, Trace! No, you aren't! You hate Sirius. The whole reason you're still paying attention to me is because you still think you can make me fall in love with you."

"Maybe I can," he said indignantly.

"Trace, you can't. I am not in love with you. You were too late, okay? I love Sirius and he's all I need to start living a normal life again."

"What do you mean a normal life again? Your life _is_ normal!"

"Normal? It is anything but normal," I replied. "Trace, if you had any idea what I've been going through you'd understand. Just... get it in your head that I'm not in love with you and that I don't want to be friends with some one who is only interested in dating me."

"Jillian, that's not true! Sirius is the one who's only interested in dating you! He doesn't even want to be your friend! He's a player and he's just going to dump you after you've completely fallen in love with him."

I stopped in my tracks and turned to face Trace head on, glaring at him. "Don't you dare talk about Sirius like that. Face it: you weren't there when I wanted you to be the most. You were busy trying to stay popular. That's low."

I turned around and walked heatedly into the classroom, taking a seat on the farthest desk from Trace.

"What's up?" Sirius asked during free period in the library, putting an arm around me. "You look angry."

"It's just... Trace. We had a fight today."

Sirius shook his head. "He hates my guts, I'm telling you!"

"He's been trying to make me fall in love with him because he thinks you'll hurt me," I told him.

"I'd never do anything to hurt you," said Sirius, twisting my hair around his fingers.

I leaned against him. "I know you wouldn't. It's just... he won't give up! He keeps trying and trying and trying to get me away from you."

"I'll tell him that's not going to happen," Sirius growled.

"That would be mean," I told him.

"_He's_ mean. He doesn't' consider other peoples' feelings. He has his mind set on what he wants and he won't stop until he gets it. But, this time he won't get anything but a huge punch in the face!"

I giggled. "Good." I kind of felt bad about talking about Trace behind his back, but he was being so annoying and inconsiderate! Right now I didn't want to have anything to do with Trace at all.

"So telling him he isn't going to get you away from me is mean but punching him isn't?" he asked, grinning.

I laughed, "You know what I mean, Sirius."

For a long time, until March in fact, I wondered if I trusted Sirius enough to tell him the real story about the night my brother died. If he loved me as much as he said he did, he wouldn't tell anyone. But then, if Trace was right... no. Trace wasn't right. Sirius was the best friend I'd had. I'd never trusted anyone more, except for maybe Jesse, and there was no way he'd ever try to hurt me.

One night, Sirius was in detention and I was in the library (because I'm just that cool) reading a book.

"Jillian," came Trace's voice from across from me.

How dare you sit at my table you lousy, shallow, good for nothing git? I thought angrily.

"Can we talk?" he asked.

"Not now, I'm trying to beat the high score on Donkey Kong," I didn't even look up at him. I stared angrily at the page of my book and shouted in my head, shut up and go away, Trace!!! Jeez!!!!

Trace took the book from my hands. I raised my head to look at him, tyring not to show any sort of emotion in my expression except for anger.

"Jillian, I'm really sorry. I've been so stupid lately for everything. For trying to steal you away from Sirius and for constantly pestering you... you were right about everything you said about me. Can you give me a second chance?"

You don't deserve a second chance, you son of a bitch, I thought. That wasn't very nice of me; I liked Trace's mom.

"Trace, I don't want to hear your stupid apologies. I know you're just going to go right back to the way you were as soon as something happens that isn't according to plan. Is this part of your plan, too, Trace? To apologize to me and trick me into becoming friends with you again and then seducing me and making me break up with Sirius? Is that your plan?"

"Jill, seriously."

"Don't call me Jill!" I snapped loudly, causing other people in the library to look up. I grabbed my book out of his hands and stormed out the library. I would get rid of Trace and wait for Sirius to come out of detention. Trace followed. He looked as if someone had slapped him across the face. Jill was _his_ nickname for me.

"I would never to that to you, Jillian! I'm really sorry!" he insisted.

"Go away!" I told him. "I don't want to talk to you."

"Listen to me! Jillian, we can go back to how it used to be. When we were best friends!" he took one of my hands.

I glared and yanked my hand out of his. "Don't touch me! I do not want to have anything to do with you, Trace! Do you realize what you're doing? You're trying to hurt Sirius but you're hurting me! If you'd love me you'd realize what you're doing wrong and leave me alone!"

Trace tried again. "Jillian, I do love you! But I can't leave you alone. I can't get my mind off you."

Then, just as Sirius stepped out of the Defence classroom, Trace thrust me towards him and kissed me.

Horror and fury washed over me. He was kissing me. If I had loved Trace, I would've kissed him back (he had really soft lips) but I hated his guts and wanted nothing more than to shoot him fifty times in the head. I pushed him away with all my strength. "YOU BASTARD! STAY THE HELL AWAY FROM ME, YOU SON OF A BITCH!" I screamed at him, feeling hot tears spill down my face. I slapped him so hard across the face that I had to massage my hand after.

Before I could turn away, I felt a hard fist hit my mouth. I tasted blood and my cheek and mouth were throbbing. Trace glared at me, his fist shaking.

I opened my mouth to say something but instead just felt more tears come. I was hurt beyond words. Trace would never ever in his life even have been close to thinking about punching me. But not the look he was giving me scared me.

"Stay away from her you bastard!" Sirius snarled at Trace, giving him the coldest, meanest glare I had seen. I could tell he wanted to beat him up but instead, he took my hand and led me away.

Trace was left standing there with a red cheek, an open mouth, and tears welling up in his eyes, although I knew the tears weren't from the slap.

Sirius and I disappeared into the passage behind the tapestry before Trace or the Defence Against the Dark Arts teacher (who had come angrily out of the classroom to see who was cussing at the top of her lungs) could take a second glance.

We reached the bottom of the tunnel and Sirius embraced me tightly when we sat down on the couch.

I sobbed uncontrollably into his chest. I could feel Sirius' hands shaking with anger as he rubbed my back gently.

I hated no one more in the world than that filthy, evil, sneaky slimy little dick named Trace Lightbody. He had kissed me! In front of my boyfriend! Was he that desperate to get me back?

"Are you okay?" he asked me. His voice was shaking too.

"I hate him!" I sobbed. "I hate that stupid son of a bitch!"

"Calm down, Jill. I know you hate him. Now that you mention it, I wouldn't mind kicking him until he shits sideways, either..."

I half giggled but still cried.

"Seriously, Jillian. He punched you in the mouth. Are you okay?" He tilted my chin up. I wiped away the tears and as much smudged makeup as I could. My mouth still hurt a lot.

"It's just sore, that's all. I think the bleeding stopped," I told him, taking out my wand and cleaning up the blood from my mouth and the few drops on my clothes. I remember with a slight shudder the blood that had been on my clothes after the accident at home.

"Are you sure? You should go see Madam Pomfrey," Sirius asked, brushing away the hair stuck to my tear tracks.

I felt a rush and gratitude and love towards Sirius for taking care of me. "I'm fine. I just can't believe Trace did that!"

"Kissed you or punched you?"

"Both! What the hell did he do it for? Sirius... if you knew Trace, you'd know he'd never punch me or kiss me if I were dating someone else. I can't believe he did that!"

Sirius pulled me into a hug again and held me. "Calm down, Jill. It'll all be alright. I won't ever let him do that again, I promise. Okay?"

"Thank you, Sirius," I kissed him and then leaned against him.

That night, Sirius used one of the passage ways to sneak out into the Hogwarts grounds. We each carried a very thick blanket in our arms and wore warm clothes; the nights were still cold.

We found a nice spot where we could get a clear view of the black sky, lit up by millions of bright stars. I put one blanket on the ground and then when Sirius and I were both lying next to each other, we put the other one over top of us.

Sirius unzipped his hoodie. I giggled when I saw he had no shirt on underneath. "Showoff," I told him, laying my head on his chest anyways.

He grinned and put one arm around me. We looked up at the stars in silence for a few minutes. The only sound I could hear was the steady beating of my boyfriend's heart.

I moved so I was lying on top of him and we we kissed for a long time. We fell asleep with our arms around each other.


	13. Part 4: Jillian: Truth

Chapter 2:

"Ms. Locke, whatever happened to your lip?" asked Professor Quirrell after Defence Against the Dark Arts class when I was copying notes off the blackboard during break.

I quickly made up something to tell him since I couldn't just say, 'what do you mean? There's nothing wrong with my lip!' (Trace had left me a nice swollen purple lump after he had punched me.) "Oh, well I was outside yesterday playing Fanged Frisbee with a friend and the Frisbee sort of took a go at me."

Professor Quirrell chuckled. "Those Fanged Frisbees certainly are dangerous, aren't they?"

I forced a laugh. "Yeah, I know." I finished up the last sentence and put my books, quills, ink and parchment into my school bag. "Thank you, Professor."

"Yes, yes, your welcome," he said a little absentmindedly as he sifted through his desk.

I headed out of the classroom in search of Sirius. I found him sitting up in the tree I used to sit in. I climbed up beside him but let out a small gasp when I saw he had a black eye and blood trickling from his mouth. He was desperately trying to wipe it up with a napkin and looked guiltily at me when he saw me.

"Sirius! What happened?" I exclaimed, taking his cheek gently in my hand and turning the injured side of his face to me.

"Um... I took a swing or two at Trace," he admitted.

I sighed and frowned in concern. "Are you alright?" I ran a hand through his hair.

He nodded though he didn't look too convincing. "Yeah, he just knocked one of my teeth out, that's all."

I gasped and tried to hide my laughter. "Why'd you beat him up?"

"Because he beat _you_ up!" he said exasperatedly. "Do you think I'd let some sucker get away with punching my girlfriend?"

I shook my head and sighed. "Well, thank you for sticking up for me."

He shrugged. "Anytime. You should see him! I gave him a nice bruise in the shoulder and a big black one on the cheek. And a broken nose. Then he got real pissed at me and tried to... you know... hurt in me in that special place. Then the teacher came."

"And you have detention for a week?"

"Yeah."

"At least we're matching, now!" I joked. "Let me fix you up." I waved my wand and the blood from his mouth disappeared and stopped trickling out. I kissed him lightly on his bruised eye and then on his lips. "Better?"

"Much better," he agreed.

"Good," I smiled.

One night in late April I decided to write a letter to Jesse. I figured he'd be happy to hear how I was doing and plus, I missed him a lot.

_Dear Jesse,_

_It feels like it's been forever since we talked last! I miss you a lot and I am doing a lot better now regarding what happened last summer. I'm almost back to my usual self._

_School is the same as always except those annoying friends I always told you about dumped me which, I suppose, isn't such a bad thing. The good thing is that I have a much better friend now. His name is Sirius Black and he is also my boyfriend._

_How have you been? Remember we have to burn down a barn when I get back. Only a few months until term ends. I can't believe I only have one more month left at Hogwarts! I want to go to Cuba for a graduation trip but I don't think my parents will agree to that. Plus, who ever goes on graduation trips?_

_Trace and I got in a fight and he punched me. He hates Sirius because he thinks he's going to cheat on me or something. You know how Trace is, he's been head over heels for me since first year! I haven't talked to him since and I don't intend on it. Thankfully, Sirius beat him up for it. Maybe you can burn Trace for me?_

_How are my parents doing? Have they found a house yet? It's going to be kind of strange to come home to a different house during the summer. I don't really want to mail them because I know they'll be interrogating me about every single stupid detail about my life and plus, if I tell them I have a boyfriend, it'll be even worse._

_I hope you've been doing well. I really do miss you and I can't wait to see you again. Maybe you can meet Sirius during the summer! You'd really like him, I'm sure of it._

_Love, Jillian_

_Dear Jill,_

_It's great to hear from you. I'm so glad your doing better. I'm sorry about your friends but since you said it was a good thing I suppose I should be saying good for you._

_Sirius Black, you say? There's a possibility that they could be different people but the youngest survivor of the fire that killed my parents a Sirius Black. He might have already told you that, though. I just found it strange._

_I always knew there was something strange about that Trace. In any case, he's a downright git for punching you. Props to Sirius for beating him up. Maybe I will burn __him. I'm not to fond of the thought that he punched my cousin._

_Don't worry, I haven't forgotten about the barn. I'm doing good. Same as usual, you could say. I can't wait to see you, too. I'll put in a good word to your parents about the trip to Cuba. And I won't mention anything about Sirius to them yet._

_Your mum and dad are doing good. They've found a house near ours. It's a nice little place and your room is extra big. Right now there's only boxes in it. The walls are painted light green and yellow, your favourites._

_See you soon._

_-Jesse_

Though I should have been smiling at Jesse's letter, I was frowning. Sirius had never told me he was a survivor of a fire. I decided to ask him about it. There was one more thing tugging at my mind; something I had been thinking about for such a long time. If I told Sirius that _I_ had been the one who caused the fire at my house and killed my brother, then it would feel great to get a huge load off my shoulders and not have to be so paranoid about if I should tell him or not. If I didn't, there was a better chance that my life wouldn't shatter apart again. What to do, what to do?

"Sirius, can I ask you something?" I asked Sirius that Saturday. We were sitting outside by the Black Lake. I was teaching him how to make a Macrame bracelet. It was definitely starting to turn into June; the days and nights were growing hotter and hotter and the breeze was starting to lessen.

"Anything," he replied as I tied his bracelet around his wrist.

"Did you survive a fire when you were seven years old?" I looked him in the eyes, trying to make him see I was offering comfort if he needed it.

Something flashed in his eyes. I knew it: memories. Horror. Fear. Guilt. He looked up at me. "How did you know about that?"

I told him about the letter Jesse had sent me. Sirius was all tensed up by the time I had finished.

"Sirius?" I took his hand.

He avoided eye contact with me but said, "I was having dinner with my mother when the rest of my siblings were at school and my father was working. I remember there were two people, a man and a woman, who had held the door open for me. I don't know... I liked them and I thought they were nice. It was... the time I first did something with magic. Only... it wasn't something good. Jill... I started that fire. It was a complete accident. I killed Jesse's parents, that couple who had held open the door for me, and the other people in that restaurant. Only my mom and I and another man made it out alive."

I was completely speechless. Jesse knew Sirius had come out of that fire but he didn't know he had started it. I just couldn't believe it. I felt horror but also... relief. Sirius knew what I was going through. He had gone through nearly the same thing.

He continued, "That night I heard the police say to the paramedics where the couple had lived and that they had a son named Jesse. and I ran to their house. I was little and I thought for some reason that they'd still be alive. I looked through their window but I only saw their son... I'll never be able to forgive myself."

I took both of his hands. I still didn't know what to tell him. "No one found you?"

He shook his head. "They asked me questions but I was scared. I lied and said I didn't do it. Not even my mom knew. If she did she would have turned me in."

"You were only seven!"

"She would have."

"I'm sorry, Sirius," I pulled him into a hug and let him lean against me. "I know how you feel, though. I honestly do."

He managed a smile though I knew he was still overwhelmed with horrible memories and feelings of the worst night of his life.

Maybe Sirius wasn't the only one with a broken heart.


	14. Part 4: Jillian: Trust

Chapter 3: Trust

I knew I could trust Sirius. I trusted him, loved him and cared for him more than life itself. Now that Sirius had told me about the fire, I knew that telling him about what I had done wasn't going to be so hard after all.

It was strange that we had gone through the same things and had ended up together. It was like we had needed each other right from the start.

The days slowly passed until the final term was two weeks from ending. Everyone was studying continuously for final exams, the hardest ones yet. One Friday night, Sirius and I, sitting as far away as possible from Trace, were in the library looking over notes and reading through textbooks.

"I hate these piece of shit exams!" Sirius growled, shredding his quill.

I laughed. "So do I. Calm down, I'll help you study. You can use some of my notes," I handed him a stack of notes I had prepared for exams.

"When do you find time to do all this?" he asked, frowning at the tiny words squished onto the parchment.

I shrugged. "I always start at the beginning of the year."

He rose his eyebrows. "That's a little weird."

I punched him in the shoulder, "I love you, too." I had the sudden urge to tell him the truth. "Sirius, I can trust you with anything, right? Even my life?"

He saw I was serious and brushed a strand of hair away from my face. "Of course."

"Then... we need to talk."

My heart beating a little faster than usual, we left the library and entered an empty classroom.

"Okay, tell me," said Sirius.

I took a deep breath and calmed my nerves down. "Okay... when I told about what happened the night of Nick's death, I left out a few parts. First of all, I had major sleepwalking issues. I have to take pills for it and everything. If I don't, things will happen. Once, I tied my mom's hair to her bedposts and woke up not knowing what I had done," I broke off. This was harder than I thought it was going to be, after all. "Sirius, the night of Nick's death, I took my pills and everything," I felt a lump form in the back of my throat. Don't cry, Jillian. Don't cry. "But... it didn't stop anything. I killed Nick in my sleep and... I set my house on fire."

Shit, shit, shit, shit, shit. How was he going to take this? Sirius' eyes were wide but he embraced me anyways. Then, from the corner of my eyes, I saw something that made my heart nearly stop. I pushed away from Sirius and started in horror at the door. Trace had been listening the whole time.

"Oh, shit," Sirius breathed. I felt my knees give away and I held onto a desk for support. Sirius was at the door, flinging it open and grabbing Trace by the shirt.

"What did you hear?" he asked angrily.

Trace couldn't keep his eyes off me. I started to cry. It was all over. Trace was going to turn me in and I would go to jail.

"What did you hear?" Sirius repeated louder.

Trace turned his eyes to Sirius. "Everything," I heard him say. "You're going to get it." He tore out of Sirius's grip and was gone before we could do anything.


	15. Part 4: Jillian: Run

Chapter 4: Run

Sirius turned to me and grabbed me hand. "Jillian, you listen to me. Don't cry. We need to go. There's no time. We've got to get out of here."

"What do you mean?" I sobbed. "It's over. There's no where to go. I'll be sent to Azkaban. It's over!"

"Jillian Locke, look at me," he turned my head so I was looking strait into his eyes. "We need to go. Both of us."

"Why you? You didn't do anything," I said, the feeling of terror and failure and sadness like a pit in my stomach. How could Trace do this to me? Did he hate me that much? Maybe he wouldn't tell anyone. Maybe he just wanted to frighten us.

"Just come!" Sirius led me at a fast pace out the back door of Hogwarts.

"Sirius, wait! What about Mom and Dad? And Jesse? I can't go!" I sobbed as Sirius continued to lead me behind him.

Tears sprang to his eyes. "Jill, we need to."

"No!" I said. How could I go? There was no where to go! I couldn't hide! I'd be caught! And I couldn't just leave everything.

"You need to. There's no other choice," he squeezed through a small dip under the gate of Hogwarts. "Can you get through?"

I wanted to turn back. Instead, I followed him, taking a look at Hogwarts. I had just ruined everything. For me and for my boyfriend. "Sirius... I'm scared. I don't want you to come. You don't have to! I don't want you to just throw away your life!"

"I have no life. I belong with you, Jill. There's no way I'd let you go alone. I need you to stay safe and the only way you can stay safe is by hiding. I'm sorry. We have to do this," he told me, a tear falling down his cheek.

"Are you mad?" I asked.

"No, Jill," he embraced me tight and then pulled me into the shadows as voices were heard coming towards the gates. I clamped a hand over my mouth to hide my sobs. I remember all the good times I had had with Sirius; pranking the Slytherins, going out on Christmas day, sleeping under the stars

This was worse than death. My secret, my terrible, terrible secret was out. Everyone knew. My poor Mom and Dad. Poor Jesse who would never ever hear from me or see me again. I would never graduate Hogwarts or go to Cuba. What if I could never come out of hiding again? I'd live on the streets for the rest of my life!

Sirius grabbed my hand and led me down the road. I had no idea where he was taking me but I followed him anyways, looking back until I couldn't see Hogwarts anymore.

"Where are we going?" I whispered.

"Somewhere were no one will find us."

"Sirius, I'm so scared! I don't want to do this! I can't!"

"We have to, Jillian. We have to. It's alright, Jill, I'm here."

He was right. Sirius was right here with me in the worse possible outcome. He was throwing his life away to help me, a girl who had committed a horrible crime. Even though we were alone on the streets, hiding for our lives, we had each other. He had always stuck with me. Something no one else would have done.

"Why did Trace do it? Why'd he tell?" I asked, still crying.

"I don't know, Jill. I'm sorry. He's... really angry at us," Sirius replied.

"Is there anything else we can do?" I stopped Sirius briefly and looked him in the eyes.

"We can turn ourselves in," he said. He kissed me before we started down the road again, quicker this time. I felt numb from cold, terror, anger, sadness and worry. "Jill, we're going to Disapparate, okay? To London or something."

I nodded and he held me close before there was a 'CRACK' and we disappeared from the street.

Sirius was right. All there was left to do now was run.


	16. Epilogue

AN: I am so sorry if I disappointed you with the last chapter but hey, it's my story so I get to do what I want with it. Thank you all for your wonderful reviews! I can't believe I got so many! Here is the epilogue since some of you wanted there to be a little more. If this really disappoints you and makes you wish you never read this fanfic, then I have failed and I'm sorry it isn't what you expected. If I made things better, then hurrah for me and I am glad that you are pleased! Leave a review whether you hated it or loved it and suggestions to change the whole story and/or make it better are welcome. Thanks again, everyone! You have been so loyal to my story :)

-SiriusBlackLover2000

Epilogue

"Jillian," someone said into my ear. "Jill, wake up."

I opened my eyes and found myself lying on a blanket next to Sirius, back to that perfect night we had spent together before I had told him what I had done. Was I dreaming? I looked up and saw Sirius standing up with his book bag in hand, his hoodie half zipped up and skinny jeans damp from the grass. I had to be dreaming. There was no way I was in Hogwarts.

"What's happening? Am I... dreaming?" I asked blearily, looking around in confusion.

He frowned. "No. Why?"

Suddenly, the truth came down on me a like a hard blow in the head. My heart started racing as I gasped slightly and felt a lump form in my throat. It was like I got a second chance at life!

"What's the matter?" Sirius asked. "You look like you've just seen a ghost."

I looked up at Sirius. "I- This isn't real! I... told you... I told you..."

"So we just slept together and now you're freaking out at me and saying this isn't real?" Sirius took my hands and sat back down beside me.

"Is there time to tell you a really long story?"

Sirius looked at his watch. "School starts in forty-five minutes. Go ahead."

I took a deep breath and tried not to worry. Trace would never tell anyone if he overheard me and I didn't have to run away. Professor Dumbledore would not have me sent to Azkaban and I wouldn't have to ruin my life. "The real story about what happened the night my brother died is that... I killed him in my sleep. You see, I have sleepwalking issues and I do things and then wake up and don't even realize I did them. Something went wrong that night because I took my medication and everything but... it still happened. And I was also the one who set my house on fire."

I tried not to cry but the memory brought tears to my eyes every time. I would never be able to cure the emptiness that Nick's death had left in me. "I guess... I must have had a dream or something because I dreamt that I told you and Trace overheard us and told the teachers. Then... we ran into hiding."

Sirius' eyes were filled with sympathy but also amusement. "Why didn't you tell me before?"

"I don't know... I just couldn't," I frowned, feeling tears swimming in my eyes.

Sirius pulled me into a hug.

"I'm sorry, Sirius."

"Don't be sorry, Jillian. You couldn't help it. That' s pretty far fetched dream, though."

"I know," I said, shaking my head. "I can't believe it, though... it was so real! Everything was so real..."

"Are you okay?" Sirius asked.

I looked at him and suddenly I was okay. I felt safe and secure just gazing into his deep brown eyes. I nodded and then kissed him softly on the lips. It was okay, now. There was no reason to be afraid. I could go on with life and maybe even try to make things right with Trace. And I didn't need to run away from anything.

I smiled at Sirius and brushed his bangs gently away from his face.

"I love you, Jillian," he said.

"I love you too, Sirius Black," I replied.

END


End file.
